save me from the nothing i've become

i've been pretending all along to the people who believe that i'm the strongest person that they can lean on. best actress is what i can call myself in this kind of art. since i was a kid, i already have plans of becoming someone great, someone that my family can be proud of. it's not that hard to live in that kind of ideology in the beginning. my parents see me as a responsible daughter, strong, and ambitious. i grew up, with a lot of people looking up on me.

the culprit of my very monotonous life started when i finished college such an ironic even in my life coz seldom you would know that a licensed teacher would eventually have a career crisis after all the years that she has spent studying. perhaps one in a million! i thought since i was a kid i am already sure what field of endeavor will i be having. but, fate played its role. im like a a ship without a compass lost in the middle of nowhere.

 

 

there were times that i feel im being choked with all the things in my mind. wanting to break my sanity. a lot of times that i just cried on my knees and came out after with a fake smile glued in my face. my life is a plastic. most often than not, percieved that i am a happy person. laughing my heart out on an even corny jokes, make somebody laugh even in my saddest moment, or even make myself a fool. all pretensions! despite the happy pictures in my life i am a miserable cold monster. because of the many hidrances along my way, i have made myself a rock. in love and in friendship, i have given my all. inevetably, they just left me misunderstood, if not discriminated. i don't know i did survive the unbearable pain. i was hurt to death. the experience taught me, and learned how to kill my prey. i become ruthless and heartless, "cold". i thought i was happy, but it made me feel empty.

"yes! im strong!! yet im a loser! i can't accpet the fact that pitied myself, but im sour graping!. i laugh, yet im depressed. i breathe yet im lifeless!"

i was so desperate to revive myself. i searched, i waited, and waited, and waited and waited. but nobody came. im lost, im alone, im cold, i need care, i need love but nobody wants me. still, i'll wait. till when?